Hasta luego, America!

I am going to Spain today.

My father is driving me to the Sioux Falls airport where I will board my plane and fly to Minneapolis, then Amsterdam, and finally end up in Madrid where I will stay for a few days. At this point, I am excited but tired after packing so my enthusiasm is a bit suppressed. I quit caffeine for over a week to reset my system and lessen my dependency, but I as soon as I start taking it again, my pep will return.

I am studying abroad from May 21 to June 29 in the beautiful city of Malaga, Spain. There should be an accent mark over the first "a" in Malaga, but I cannot figure out how to type that on blogspot. Malaga is on the southern coast of Spain, in the province of Andalucia. I will live in an apartment located half a block from the beach with a host mom and a roommate named Matt Mott from Texas.

During my stay, I will be taking Spanish Civ and a Spanish Lit at the Universidad de Malaga. My program, International Studies Abroad, also takes all of its students on weekend trips to cities like Granada and Sevilla. Interestingly, there are five Iowans doing the Malaga summer study abroad, more than any other state represented. Woot.

Once I arrive in Spain, I will blog more about what is going on in my new vida. I will attempt to not totally forget English and will do my best to respond to emails, tweets, texts, and facebook posts. Please do not forget me even though an ocean has come between us.

Goodbye America. See you in six weeks.

I need a time machine

If only I had been born 25 years earlier...

I know that in a previous blog entry I claimed Kristen Wiig as my wife. However, if I had been born a at least ten or fifteen years earlier, I would be chasing a different woman. And her name is Vanessa Williams.

Vanessa Williams joins Heidi Klum and Beyonce in the trifecta of the world's three most attractive women. Interestingly, they are respectively in their 40's, 30's, and 20's. But no one is counting. Amongst the three stars, Vanessa stands out as having maturity and experience, having excelled in a variety of venues.

I first became aware of the wonder of Vanessa by watching Ugly Betty. Vanessa plays Wilhelmina Slater, a conniving, heartless woman who dominates the fashion magazine Mode and makes life miserable for everyone around her. She is fantastic. Her look is always flawless and her fashion cutting edge. As Wilhelmina faces each setback and manipulates her way back to the top, her lioness attitude and stylistic perfection make the show really shine.

Vanessa does not look like a woman of 47. Ugly Betty jokes about all of her supposed botox and plastic surgery, but she looks normal and can actually move her face. Furthermore, she always looks good and has maintained a level of fitness few manage to attain. I love it.

Four years before I was born, in 1984, Vanessa became the first African American Miss America. She soon received death threats and hate mail, another first for the Miss America pageant. Like the star she is, Vanessa ignored that mail and continued on with her life.

However, a controversy soon followed. A few months into her reign as Miss America, nude photos surfaced Vanessa Williams and Penthouse published them. Vanessa stepped down as Miss America after receiving pressure from the pageant officials. The photos themselves were taken in 1984, but Vanessa never signed a release for them. A photographer had convinced Vanessa to pose nude "artistically."

Never ever take nude photos of yourself. Do not record yourself on film in any way. They will surface and they will embarrass you. Nude photos are always a stupid idea.

Although she initially tried to sue the photographer and Penthouse, Vanessa eventually decided to be the classier person saying, "The best revenge is success." She went on to record several hit albums, star in films like Soul Food and Eraser, and most recently dominated Ugly Betty.

I was also excited to hear that Vanessa will be joining the cast of Desperate Housewives in its next season. Since Nicollette Sheridan's character died last season and Dana Delany's character went crazy and then moved away this season, the show needs a fifth regular housewife. Vanessa could bring some of her powerful drama to the show for a much needed face-lift. I cannot wait to see what Vanessa's character's deep secret is--it seems that by now, every housewife has killed someone, saved someone's life, undergone a personal tragedy, covered up their child's horrible action, and gotten in a huge fight with all of the other housewives.

I am guessing that Vanessa is a bit nicer in real life than she is on Ugly Betty. But even if she is not, I still would marry her if the age gap was a bit smaller. After all, Wilhelmina Slater treats her gentlemen on the show much nicer than everyone else.

Maybe I will invent a time machine and go marry Vanessa. Sorry Kristen Wiig.

Spotted.

I wish that Gossip Girl were real.

On the hit CW show, a mystery blogger called Gossip Girl follows the lives of the elite teenagers of the Upper Eastside of Manhattan. As the students navigate their daily drama, students everywhere text photos and bits of gossip to the omniscient Gossip Girl, who in turn posts these compromising photos and juicy details on her website and sends them as updates to people's phones.

I want Gossip Girl to move to Grove City. Imagine the thrill of walking around campus never knowing when someone might take a photo of you doing something silly or sketchy and text it to the Gossip Girl. Even better would be the regular phone updates telling me the buzz.

Things would be so much more simple once we lost our privacy and started pretending to live the scandalous lives of the upper east siders. I would never again ask someone about their girlfriend two weeks after they broke up. Life would be easier knowing who was feuding with with whom, and whose latest scheme had backfired.

Granted, GCC (with one recent exception) does not have scandals like they do on Gossip Girl. People at GCC communicate effectively instead of storming off dramatically, so a lot of confusion is avoided. Furthermore, most of us did not start the party scene at fifteen or grow up in Manhattan so many of the basic activities in the lives' of the Gossip Girl characters are absolutely bewildering to our rigorous, authentic, and valuable minds.

In an attempt to emulate the Gossip Girl system, I enlisted two of my dear friends, Stephen Wong and Paul Chenowith. Neither of them watch Gossip Girl, but both of them enjoy texting information about things they see on campus, especially Stephen. I taught them an official format for GG updates and here is what it is:

Spotted.
Informational sentence.
Snarky comment.
xoxo,
GG

For example,
Spotted.
David Janssen sprinting to his first class.
Look like someone had a late night...
xoxo,
GG

Getting one of these updates can brighten my day significantly. Knowing that Paul spotted that gross couple having too much PDA in the hallway of the Physical Learning Center makes me smile. Having Stephen report that the girl who exercises too much is in the aerobic room (again!) makes me laugh out loud.

A school-wide Gossip Girl service would actually improve campus life. While gossip is not desirable, the truth must come out. Privacy is a luxury invented in the modern era--the more we develop technology, the more we are able to control what aspects of our lives others can see. Gossip Girl levels the playing field. Cheaters might think twice before cheating if they knew a photo of them might be distributed to half of campus.

In all seriousness, I do enjoy getting GG texts from friends. However, the administration definitely would not support any sort of official GG network or website, and if anyone tried to set one up, I believe that it would be quickly shut down. For it to be successful, the site manager would have to be under the radar and stay anonymous.

Maybe you should be Gossip Girl. Text me--you know the format.

Pardon my scratch

Life would be better if I were a cat.

I first began to see the joys of felinity because of my friend Leah Vough. During our freshman year of college, she told everyone what kind of cat they were based on their appearance or personality. Her roommate was an alley cat, her friend Erin's sister and her fiance were kittens, and I was a old cat because sickly old cats get bright blue eyes. We have several pictures from Leah's sorority formal posing like cats. I got in the habit of hissing and meowing whenever I saw Leah.

Cats have always appealed to me more than dogs. Dogs are stupidly friendly and rough. In contrast, cats are more selective with who they give attention and seem much more poised. To put it in Gossip Girl terms, dogs are like Serena while cats are like Blair. Maybe that is a bad comparison. Dogs are far more sensible than Serena.

Unfortunately, I have been grossly allergic to cats since I was in kindergarten. I played with my neighbors kittens up until the point that I had a serious asthma attack and was hospitalized for a week. No more cats for David.

This past fall, I discovered that if I take allergy medication before playing with cats and wash my hands afterwards, I am mostly fine. This made things much more enjoyable at Leah's Fun Fall Farm Fest--her farm is swarming with cats, and it would be tortuous to look at them and not be able to touch.

I think my favorite part of being a cat would be curling up in the sun and taking a nap. As a family pet, my only natural predator would be the three-year-old who likes to pull my tail. My naps would be filled with simple dreams of birds and mice, and I would sun my furry grey body, enjoying the luxury of heat and serenity.

When I woke up, I would immediately ascertain each family member's location so that I could avoid them. I would then go searching for something to catch, play with, and eat. Cats, like vampires, enjoy playing with their food before eating it. Me becoming a vampire looks more and more doubtful everyday, so cat might be my second pick.

As a naturally clumsy person, I am also drawn to the perpetual balance and poise of the cat. I would adore staying up all night, gliding silently through the house, knowing that at least for the moment, I was in complete control. If I had been born in Egypt a few thousand years ago, I would have probably worshiped Bast, the cat goddess.

Since I do not want to go the Jocelyn Wildenstein route of cat-transformation, I may instead have to integrate more cat-like personality traits into my daily interactions. I can be secretive, shrewd, standoffish, and decadent. Actually, that does not sound too much like me. Maybe being a cat just sounds like a good idea in my head.

I do not think I will start eating mice. However, if I hiss at you, do not be surprised.

Love the plastics

I really do not have a problem with plastic surgery.

That is to say, I do not have a problem with reasonable plastic surgery. Some plastic surgery, like the ten surgeries that transformed beautiful Heidi Montag into Frankenheidi are excessive. Other crazies, like Jocelyn "cat woman" Wildenstein and poor Michael Jackson also took things too far. I may be strongly influenced by the two seasons of Nip/Tuck I watched, but I believe that plastic surgery can be perfectly fine if a few criteria are met.

First of all, the procedure must be a financially sound decision. Cosmetic surgery should not be pursued by someone who cannot afford it. If you cannot buy milk for your kids or a car to get to work, do not spend your saved up money on a nose job or bigger breasts. Furthermore, you should have a steady, good-paying job, money saved up for a rainy day, and practical things like a house, a car, and insurance before getting anything tucked or lifted.

Secondly, the plastic surgery must be relatively safe. Yes, there is always a risk, but let us be reasonable. If surgery poses a big health risk for you, do not do it. Ten procedures at once almost killed Heidi. Ideally, choose procedures with minimum anesthesia and minimum recovery time. No one should die trying to become more beautiful--regardless of how fat your stomach may be.

My third criteria may be the most important. You must genuinely want the procedure and find it difficult to be as happy without it. I have gotten into arguments with some of my friends who think that plastic surgery is simply vanity and only feeds our image conscious society. To a certain extent, I will admit that I agree with them. However, if someone hates their crooked nose or feels self-conscious of their uneven ears, they should stop complaining about it and fix it.

Ultimately, there is not much of a difference between plastic surgery and getting braces. No one thinks that braces are simply vanity and and should be avoided. Sometimes people get braces because eating would be difficult without them--in the same way, people get plastic surgery to repair burns or permit them to breath through their nose. However, it is more common for people to get braces for their crooked teeth and rhinoplasty for their crooked nose.

Of course, plastic surgery is a bit more extreme than getting your hair permed. However, a botox shot to the head is cheaper, quicker, and less complicated that years in braces. A little liposuction makes you look far better than buying hundreds of dollars of dresses ever could. When you meet my three criteria, plastic surgery is just another facet of the "looking nice" diamond.

We live in a superficial world where everyone is judged based on appearance. As a Christian, I am saddened by that fact, but do not react by becoming Amish. In fact, as a bit of a stylista, I like to wear what is trendy, spike my hair, and wear contacts. People everywhere dye their hair, dress up for work, and save up for the latest trends. Christians dress up for church each Sunday, acknowledging that their appearance says something about how they regard God.

To all you haters out there who still think all plastic surgeons should be put out of work, thank God that you have a reasonably symmetrical face and have the confidence to ignore your flawed features. Be thankful that you have people who love you despite your imperfect appearance, and parents who raised you to put your worth in more lasting things.

Not everyone has that privilege. That is why we have plastic surgery.

The evolution of Miley

Miley has never impressed me.

I remember wondering why people liked her when Hannah Montana started on the Disney Channel. Since my family has only the four basic channels, we only watched shows like that at grandma's house. When we first watched Hannah Montana, I immediately felt annoyed at the stupid jokes and laugh track, Miley's backwoods accent, and Billy Ray's far too glamorous hair.

The one highlight of the show was the episode(s) where Dolly Parton played Miley's godmother. Dolly looks so freaky after all of her plastic surgery and reminds me of a cat/insect hybrid. I am going to call her look "the Cheshire mantis."

I did not care for Miley's early music as well. Yes, "See You Again" and some of her songs were catchy, but they are also easy to mock. Her twangy voice comes across as a hybrid between country and pop, and unlike Carrie Underwood's music, the combination is unpleasant.

"The Climb" almost made me give up hope forever. That song makes my list of most overplayed and awful songs of the decade. Mily slurs the notes in her thick voice and sings about things beyond her comprehension. I found it highly appropriate that on this week's episode of Glee, Rachel Berry attempts to sing "The Climb" but fails due to laryngitis. Justice.

Then, however, Miley made a huge step in the right direction with "Party in the U.S.A." Who knew that "nodding your head like yeah" and "moving your hips like year" could be so fun? 16-year-old Miley received criticism for the music video in which she wear a low-cut shirt and short jean shorts. People thought she dressed inappropriately for her age.

First of all, 16-year-old girls dress like that all summer long. Short shorts may be tacky, but that is what they wear. Secondly, the video is just so fun. The whole thing is classic americana filled with American flag print, pickup trucks, cowboy boots, and jungle gyms. Miley's dance moves give her a competitive edge as well.

Now, it seems, Miley is ready to grow up. Her new album, Can't Be Tamed, presents an edgy Miley ready to become an adult and be treated like one. Miley's real-life behavior reflects this as well--she recently moved from the mansion she bought her parents and bought herself another mansion next door. She also just starred in the Nicholas Sparks' romantic comedy The Last Song. I doubt I will ever see it, but it seemed to be fairly popular.

The title track from Can't Be Tamed sounds great. Miley's voice reminds me of classic Britney mixed with autotune. Yes, Miley does need the autotune--please recall her abysmal performance for the Queen of England--but I do not really mind. She actually sounds better synthetic.

What I really love, however, was the music video. Miley emerges as Avis cyrus, an exotic bird creature being revealed to a crowd of wealthy bird enthusiasts. She quickly scares them away her with ferocious facial expressions, giant black wings, and wild background dancers. The video flashes back and forth between Miley in a black leather bird costume and Miley laying on a pile of peacock feathers dressed in a $25,000 corset dress.

Based on the amount of skin bared and suggestive dance moves, it seems that Miley is all grown up. People complain that Miley is only seventeen, but so was Britney when she started baring her belly button. I am not promoting this Gaga-esque video as morally sound, but I think it was a good career move for Miley.

Miley, keep channeling this new you. Just do not have babies, shave your head, and then attack paparazzi with an umbrella.

Just one bite

We live in the era of the sexy vampire.

I have always liked vampires. As a third-grade nerd, I liked to impress other students by reading big books. My biggest accomplishment was wading through the dreadfully dull Little Women. While that book bored me, others like Around the World in Eight Days, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, The Prince and the Pauper, and The Wizard of Oz completely entranced me.

Bram Stoker's Dracula may have impacted me most. I never watched anything scarier than 101 Dalmations until I got to middle school, so Dracula absolutely terrified me. As Dracula terrorized Jonathan Harker and his family and friends, I closed my closet at night and locked my bedroom door for protection.

This book was the best introduction to vampires I could have had. Stoker's vampire was something inhuman, something to fear and hate. He standardized vampire lore and defined the powers and limits of the classic vampire. God bless Bram Stoker.

I am not quite sure when vampires stopped being monsters and started to be sex icons. Buffy may have a lot to do with it. On Buffy the Vampire Slayer, vampires are demon-possessed people that return from the dead. Sunlight and stakes kill them easily. The relationship between Buffy and Angel, a good vampire due to a gypsy curse, was always steamy and exciting.

Anne Rice's dark vampire literature further contributed to the mainstreaming of vampires. Although her vampires are not human in mind or ability, Rice's readers identify with the characters. The casting of the wildly famous Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt in the lead roles of Rice's book-to-film adaptation, Interview with a Vampire, brought crowds to the theaters in 1994 and connected vampires with their sex appeal.

One of the greatest television tragedies occurred in 2007 when the CBS drama Moonlight was cancelled after one season. Moonlight followed the life of Mick St. John, a vampire private detective who had been protecting a reporter, Beth Turner, since his crazy, vampire ex-wife kidnapped her as a small child. This show was intriguing, humorous, endearing, and captivating. Unfortunately, it aired before America had caught vampire fever, and could have been a huge success if released only a year or two later.

Stephenie Meyer's infamous Twilight Saga made people fall head-over-heels in love with vampires. Not only are these books incredibly popular amongst children, but people of all ages and backgrounds enjoy them. The series of films based on the books have transformed Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, and Taylor Lautner from nobodies to members of the young elite of Hollywood. On a personal note, Twilight got me more excited about reading than I had been in several years.

HBO's True Blood and the CW's Vampire Diaries took popular book series and transformed them into even more popular television programs. Both provide sizzling vampire love and intense fight scenes for their respective audiences. In contrast to the mostly optimistic world of Twilight, these two shows are not afraid to kill of characters. When I watch them, I expect someone to die at least once an episode.

I find the inconsistency within all this media interesting. Some vampires have powers, like the ability to change into animals or control minds, while others simply have super strength and speed. The controllability of the thirst for human blood varies considerably. Some can eat food and drink coffee. For some the sun means death, while for others it is merely annoying or causes their skin to sparkle. Their seems to be a lot of artistic license taken in each case.

Someday, when I meet a vampire, he or she will tell me who comes closest to the truth. Until then, I will just keep enjoying all of the above.

Vegetarian experiment

Veggie burgers are disgusting.

I have tried several different kinds, but none compare to the ground beef patty. Last fall, my friend Hannah Moffett and I challenged one other to be vegetarians for a semester. It is important to note that our vegetarianism was not based on personal conviction but simply an exercise in self-control. I love to set life goals for myself.

We made the rules for our vegetarianism relatively easy. As long as the food never had eyes, it was fine. This meant I could still eat cheese, milk, and eggs. I could have made it without ice cream and cheese omelets.

Although I sometimes complain about cafeteria food, Bon Apetit pleasantly surprised me. I regularly ate large meals of spinach salads, cheese pizza, French onion soup, hard boiled eggs, cereal, stir-fried vegetables with rice, or cheese lasagna. I regularly took a multi-vitamin and made sure I got protein daily. Men tend to have less issues with anemia, but I wanted to be safe.

I struggled with meat cravings. During brunch each Sunday, the bacon taunted me, and the sausage gave me sullen glares. One time I got pasta with red sauce, only to realize the sauce had bits of meat after taking my first bite. My mouth watered, and I struggled not to quickly scarf the whole plate. At odd times throughout the day, I found myself suddenly obsessing about meat. I felt like a crazy pregnant woman suddenly wanting ice cream with hot sauce.

Being a vegetarian for a month also made me aware of the plight of the veggie-lover. Although our school cafeteria takes care of its vegetarians, other places do not. I attended several catered luncheons where the vegetarian option was a sandwich with cucumber and tomato instead of meat. Gross. I felt guilty eating at friends' houses and having to refuse meat or pick it out of the entree.

Eating out was the worst. I love burgers, so whenever I eat out, I get a big, juicy mushroom swiss burger and then sink into a blissful meat coma. Vegetarianism forced me to order a lot of omelets, cheese quesadillas, and french fries. My family and friends usually stop at McDonald's when we travel, and during the past semester, I would get a large fries and a Diet Coke since my normal Double Cheeseburger and McChicken were off limits.

Despite my limitations, vegetarianism really was awesome. I now understand the sense of superiority vegetarians feel every time they refuse meat and their secret joy when others have to go out of their way to make a meat-free option for you. Vegans must feel even better--they cannot even eat dairy or eggs!

I also felt healthier as a vegetarian. My meals were filling, but I never felt stuffed. My thoughts were more lucid, my skin was clearer, and I did not gain more than three pounds despite skipping exercise for a semester.

Vegetarian life left me hyper-aware of much meat I used to eat. Now, I view each bite of meat as a special treat, and it only takes a piece of bacon or two to satisfy my cravings. Americans eat significantly more meat than they need to each day. Why are we surprised by our obesity?

I could not be a consistent vegetarian. However, maybe I will take more vegetarian vacations in the future, and one day find a veggie burger I like.

Baby, baby, baby, oh...

I am a Belieber.

For some reason, college students at Grove City College do not seem to love Justin Bieber very much--at least not publicly. The same girls that still love to rock out to *NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys scrunch up their faces when you mention darling Canadian Justin. My dear friend Emily Smicker recently had a near emotional meltdown when she saw that the Biebs was recommended for her on iTunes. I do not understand the hating.

Justin Bieber is great. I suppose I should provide a brief biography for those of you who have yet to love Justin's music. He was born March 1, 1994 in Ontario, Canada. That makes the little pop star sixteen, not twelve like everyone seems to think. When Justin was twelve, his mother began uploading videos of him singing songs on YouTube for his relatives to see. Justin gained a large following on the website.

A year later, a marketing executive discovered Justin online and brought him to Atlanta to perform for the R&B artist Usher. Usher loved Justin's performance and signed him to Island Records in 2008. Since then, both of Justin's albums have gone platinum in the United States, and he has performed for President Obama, presented at the Grammys, and sung the opening line the new "We are the World" video for Haiti. He has even been the musical guest on Saturday Night Live.

No one who reads Justin Bieber's impressive list of accomplishments should doubt the legitimacy of his stardom. Justin literally causes riots where ever he goes--his fans are insanely devoted. He is popular all around the world (especially in Canada). Unlike Miley Cyrus, who I expect will follow the same death spiral as Britney and Lindsay, Justin will continue to become a bigger star and join the modern greats like Justin Timberlake in pop glory.

If you do not believe in the power of Justin Bieber, please watch this YouTube video. This three-year-old girl is in the depths of despair when she cannot spend time with Justin. When I was three, the only songs I knew were church hymns and the Barney song. Celebrities were silly people who lived far away and had no impact on my life. Jimmy Kimmel capitalized on Bieber fever and brought the adoring fan together with her idol for America to see. I think we can all agree that the little girl is out of control.

I am constantly amused by young Justin's interactions with other celebrities. His "One Time" video features Justin hosting a party at Usher's house while Usher is away. A squeaky clean rap by Ludacris is featured on the hit track "Baby," and Sean Kingston collaborates with Bieber on the song "Eenie Meenie." Justin flirts with Kim Kardashian on Twitter and hits on Chelsea Handler during his interviews. He even creates great humor chemistry with Tina Fey on SNL. Such a charmer.

For April Fool's Day, like many celebrities, Justin took to the internet to pull a prank. He created a series of hilarious videos and put them on the website, Funny or Die, renaming it Bieber or Die for the day. These videos include an explanation from Bieber saying that he bought the site to showcase his humor and several recreations of viral videos from the internet. Two of my favorites are "Dramatic Bieber" and "Bieber after the Dentist."

However, Justin Bieber's biggest challenge may be growing up. His voice is changing--he has even admitted in interviews that he cannot hit some of the high notes from "Baby" anymore. As he seeks to make a smooth transition to manhood and avoid the squeaks, Bieber needs to worry about loosing his iconic high tenor voice. His genre of music may also need to be adjusted as his main fan base grows up with him. Puberty is the biggest challenge standing in his way.

Regardless of Justin Bieber's dropping voice, I will continue to listen to my two CDs and enjoy everything he does. Like baby, baby, baby, oh.

I love this woman

I am ready to take a wife.

As someone who has been single since coming to college, I know this is a big deal. You might be thinking that the "Ring by Spring" mentality of Grove City College has finally soaked into my brain and put a permanent pair of Grover Goggles over my eyes. However, never fear! There is only one woman that I am ready to marry, and her name is Kristen Wiig.

If you have never heard or seen Kristen Wiig, there is a hole in your life. A life without Kristen can only be described as tragic. Kristen has been a cast member on Saturday Night Live since 2005 and consistently makes me laugh until tears flow. She is the funniest person currently alive.

While Kristen does say hilarious things and make ridiculous sounds, her facial expressions bring the biggest laughs. The mark of a great comedian is someone who does not even need sound to make you laugh. Kristen has this ability to twist her face into the strangest expressions and reacts so strongly in the skits. I could watch her face for a lifetime.

Kristen also has an amazing ability to transform herself into the most bizarre characters. One of my favorites is Penelope, a woman who pathologically lies to top the stories of everyone else. The twist comes at the end when at least of few of Penelope's lies turn out to be true. Another of my favorite's is Sue, a woman who adores surprises but cannot keep secrets and must cause herself physical harm to keep from ruining the surprise. If you ever hear my loudly saying "Oh my Gawww!!!," that is my Sue impression.

Other original characters include the Target Lady, a bargain-obsessed "Turrget" worker, Judy Grimes, a nervous travel advisor on Weekend Update who says "just kidding" between every few words, Aunt Linda, a sarcastic movie critic with poor taste, and Dooneese, a member of a sister act that perform on the Lawrence Welk Show. Dooneese is my favorite of these four characters--her high hairline, little baby hands, and disturbing song lyrics make me die laughing every time.

Kristen also has an amazing talent for celebrity impressions. The recurring parody skit of The View may be one of the best things on SNL. Whoopi, Barbara, Joy, Sheri, and Elisabeth deserve to be parodied, especially Joy Behar. Kristen marvelously plays the sweet, conservative Elisabeth Hasselbeck in a dead-on impression. So funny! Other celebrities parodied include Suze Orman, Nancy Pelosi, Jamie Lee Curtis, Katharine Hepburn, Bjork, and a Japanese version of Pam Beasley from The Office. I hope you take the time to watch all of these videos.

A final thing you need to know about is the fourth hour of the Today Show. Calm Hoda Kotb and insane Kathie Lee Gifford have a strange dynamic and Kristen showcases this brilliantly as Kathie Lee. I found a video on youtube of Hoda and Kathie Lee responding to this highly accurate impression. While Hoda seems to find it funny, Kathie Lee is upset. However, when Hoda gets made fun of in the clip, Kathie Lee begins to see the humor. If you squint your eyes a little, it becomes difficult to tell which clip is the show and which is SNL. So good.

If you do not love Kristen by now, you need professional laughter training. You are not invited to our theoretical wedding.