I need a time machine

If only I had been born 25 years earlier...

I know that in a previous blog entry I claimed Kristen Wiig as my wife. However, if I had been born a at least ten or fifteen years earlier, I would be chasing a different woman. And her name is Vanessa Williams.

Vanessa Williams joins Heidi Klum and Beyonce in the trifecta of the world's three most attractive women. Interestingly, they are respectively in their 40's, 30's, and 20's. But no one is counting. Amongst the three stars, Vanessa stands out as having maturity and experience, having excelled in a variety of venues.

I first became aware of the wonder of Vanessa by watching Ugly Betty. Vanessa plays Wilhelmina Slater, a conniving, heartless woman who dominates the fashion magazine Mode and makes life miserable for everyone around her. She is fantastic. Her look is always flawless and her fashion cutting edge. As Wilhelmina faces each setback and manipulates her way back to the top, her lioness attitude and stylistic perfection make the show really shine.

Vanessa does not look like a woman of 47. Ugly Betty jokes about all of her supposed botox and plastic surgery, but she looks normal and can actually move her face. Furthermore, she always looks good and has maintained a level of fitness few manage to attain. I love it.

Four years before I was born, in 1984, Vanessa became the first African American Miss America. She soon received death threats and hate mail, another first for the Miss America pageant. Like the star she is, Vanessa ignored that mail and continued on with her life.

However, a controversy soon followed. A few months into her reign as Miss America, nude photos surfaced Vanessa Williams and Penthouse published them. Vanessa stepped down as Miss America after receiving pressure from the pageant officials. The photos themselves were taken in 1984, but Vanessa never signed a release for them. A photographer had convinced Vanessa to pose nude "artistically."

Never ever take nude photos of yourself. Do not record yourself on film in any way. They will surface and they will embarrass you. Nude photos are always a stupid idea.

Although she initially tried to sue the photographer and Penthouse, Vanessa eventually decided to be the classier person saying, "The best revenge is success." She went on to record several hit albums, star in films like Soul Food and Eraser, and most recently dominated Ugly Betty.

I was also excited to hear that Vanessa will be joining the cast of Desperate Housewives in its next season. Since Nicollette Sheridan's character died last season and Dana Delany's character went crazy and then moved away this season, the show needs a fifth regular housewife. Vanessa could bring some of her powerful drama to the show for a much needed face-lift. I cannot wait to see what Vanessa's character's deep secret is--it seems that by now, every housewife has killed someone, saved someone's life, undergone a personal tragedy, covered up their child's horrible action, and gotten in a huge fight with all of the other housewives.

I am guessing that Vanessa is a bit nicer in real life than she is on Ugly Betty. But even if she is not, I still would marry her if the age gap was a bit smaller. After all, Wilhelmina Slater treats her gentlemen on the show much nicer than everyone else.

Maybe I will invent a time machine and go marry Vanessa. Sorry Kristen Wiig.

The death of fashion

Crocs are the first sign of the fashion apocalypse.

Now, I am usually a fairly relaxed critic when it comes to clothing choices. I believe that people should wear clothing that is comfortable, flattering, and reflective of how they want to be perceived. After watching seven seasons of Project Runway and countless episodes of What Not to Wear while on the treadmill during high school gym class (yes, each treadmill had its own television screen), I have developed a strong sense of what is permissible and what is a train wreck. Despite those show's aggressive points of view, I think I still tend to err on the side of leniency when it comes to fashion choices.

However, when it comes to plastic footwear, someone needs to put their foot down. If ever allowed, plastic shoes should only exist as flip flops and preferably only been worn to the beach. The horrendous croc, a diseased love child of the shoe and rubber boot, is the essence of tackiness and only appropriate to be worn when cleaning fecal matter out of a pig sty. I only know a few people who have actually cleaned up pig crap, and none of them wore crocs to do it.

What I find even more disturbing is the company Jibbitz, which creates "decorative attachments for the holes in Crocs sandals." You cannot make a mule a stallion by giving it an attractive saddle. Wikipedia has also informed me that the Crocs company produces a line called the "Fuzz Collection" with woolly liners permanently attached inside the holes in the Crocs that enable year-round use. Unacceptable. Adding cloth above, between, and below the parts of a bikini does not make it a gown fit for ball.

In one episode of the fashion-centric show Ugly Betty, style icon Wilhelmina Slater demeans herself by indulging in crocs. Her shallow, yet wise, assistant Marc quickly take initiative and throws away all of Willy's crocs. This action comes from love--both love for the person and love for aesthetics. If you have a loved one who owns these monstrosities, you need to go right now and help that individual by throwing the crocs away. In the case that this makes you feel guilty, simply go to Old Navy and buy them a couple of pairs of flips--they are plastic and only two for five dollars. The crocs need to be dumped.

After all, it is the right thing to do.