Spotted.

I wish that Gossip Girl were real.

On the hit CW show, a mystery blogger called Gossip Girl follows the lives of the elite teenagers of the Upper Eastside of Manhattan. As the students navigate their daily drama, students everywhere text photos and bits of gossip to the omniscient Gossip Girl, who in turn posts these compromising photos and juicy details on her website and sends them as updates to people's phones.

I want Gossip Girl to move to Grove City. Imagine the thrill of walking around campus never knowing when someone might take a photo of you doing something silly or sketchy and text it to the Gossip Girl. Even better would be the regular phone updates telling me the buzz.

Things would be so much more simple once we lost our privacy and started pretending to live the scandalous lives of the upper east siders. I would never again ask someone about their girlfriend two weeks after they broke up. Life would be easier knowing who was feuding with with whom, and whose latest scheme had backfired.

Granted, GCC (with one recent exception) does not have scandals like they do on Gossip Girl. People at GCC communicate effectively instead of storming off dramatically, so a lot of confusion is avoided. Furthermore, most of us did not start the party scene at fifteen or grow up in Manhattan so many of the basic activities in the lives' of the Gossip Girl characters are absolutely bewildering to our rigorous, authentic, and valuable minds.

In an attempt to emulate the Gossip Girl system, I enlisted two of my dear friends, Stephen Wong and Paul Chenowith. Neither of them watch Gossip Girl, but both of them enjoy texting information about things they see on campus, especially Stephen. I taught them an official format for GG updates and here is what it is:

Spotted.
Informational sentence.
Snarky comment.
xoxo,
GG

For example,
Spotted.
David Janssen sprinting to his first class.
Look like someone had a late night...
xoxo,
GG

Getting one of these updates can brighten my day significantly. Knowing that Paul spotted that gross couple having too much PDA in the hallway of the Physical Learning Center makes me smile. Having Stephen report that the girl who exercises too much is in the aerobic room (again!) makes me laugh out loud.

A school-wide Gossip Girl service would actually improve campus life. While gossip is not desirable, the truth must come out. Privacy is a luxury invented in the modern era--the more we develop technology, the more we are able to control what aspects of our lives others can see. Gossip Girl levels the playing field. Cheaters might think twice before cheating if they knew a photo of them might be distributed to half of campus.

In all seriousness, I do enjoy getting GG texts from friends. However, the administration definitely would not support any sort of official GG network or website, and if anyone tried to set one up, I believe that it would be quickly shut down. For it to be successful, the site manager would have to be under the radar and stay anonymous.

Maybe you should be Gossip Girl. Text me--you know the format.

Pardon my scratch

Life would be better if I were a cat.

I first began to see the joys of felinity because of my friend Leah Vough. During our freshman year of college, she told everyone what kind of cat they were based on their appearance or personality. Her roommate was an alley cat, her friend Erin's sister and her fiance were kittens, and I was a old cat because sickly old cats get bright blue eyes. We have several pictures from Leah's sorority formal posing like cats. I got in the habit of hissing and meowing whenever I saw Leah.

Cats have always appealed to me more than dogs. Dogs are stupidly friendly and rough. In contrast, cats are more selective with who they give attention and seem much more poised. To put it in Gossip Girl terms, dogs are like Serena while cats are like Blair. Maybe that is a bad comparison. Dogs are far more sensible than Serena.

Unfortunately, I have been grossly allergic to cats since I was in kindergarten. I played with my neighbors kittens up until the point that I had a serious asthma attack and was hospitalized for a week. No more cats for David.

This past fall, I discovered that if I take allergy medication before playing with cats and wash my hands afterwards, I am mostly fine. This made things much more enjoyable at Leah's Fun Fall Farm Fest--her farm is swarming with cats, and it would be tortuous to look at them and not be able to touch.

I think my favorite part of being a cat would be curling up in the sun and taking a nap. As a family pet, my only natural predator would be the three-year-old who likes to pull my tail. My naps would be filled with simple dreams of birds and mice, and I would sun my furry grey body, enjoying the luxury of heat and serenity.

When I woke up, I would immediately ascertain each family member's location so that I could avoid them. I would then go searching for something to catch, play with, and eat. Cats, like vampires, enjoy playing with their food before eating it. Me becoming a vampire looks more and more doubtful everyday, so cat might be my second pick.

As a naturally clumsy person, I am also drawn to the perpetual balance and poise of the cat. I would adore staying up all night, gliding silently through the house, knowing that at least for the moment, I was in complete control. If I had been born in Egypt a few thousand years ago, I would have probably worshiped Bast, the cat goddess.

Since I do not want to go the Jocelyn Wildenstein route of cat-transformation, I may instead have to integrate more cat-like personality traits into my daily interactions. I can be secretive, shrewd, standoffish, and decadent. Actually, that does not sound too much like me. Maybe being a cat just sounds like a good idea in my head.

I do not think I will start eating mice. However, if I hiss at you, do not be surprised.