The evolution of Miley

Miley has never impressed me.

I remember wondering why people liked her when Hannah Montana started on the Disney Channel. Since my family has only the four basic channels, we only watched shows like that at grandma's house. When we first watched Hannah Montana, I immediately felt annoyed at the stupid jokes and laugh track, Miley's backwoods accent, and Billy Ray's far too glamorous hair.

The one highlight of the show was the episode(s) where Dolly Parton played Miley's godmother. Dolly looks so freaky after all of her plastic surgery and reminds me of a cat/insect hybrid. I am going to call her look "the Cheshire mantis."

I did not care for Miley's early music as well. Yes, "See You Again" and some of her songs were catchy, but they are also easy to mock. Her twangy voice comes across as a hybrid between country and pop, and unlike Carrie Underwood's music, the combination is unpleasant.

"The Climb" almost made me give up hope forever. That song makes my list of most overplayed and awful songs of the decade. Mily slurs the notes in her thick voice and sings about things beyond her comprehension. I found it highly appropriate that on this week's episode of Glee, Rachel Berry attempts to sing "The Climb" but fails due to laryngitis. Justice.

Then, however, Miley made a huge step in the right direction with "Party in the U.S.A." Who knew that "nodding your head like yeah" and "moving your hips like year" could be so fun? 16-year-old Miley received criticism for the music video in which she wear a low-cut shirt and short jean shorts. People thought she dressed inappropriately for her age.

First of all, 16-year-old girls dress like that all summer long. Short shorts may be tacky, but that is what they wear. Secondly, the video is just so fun. The whole thing is classic americana filled with American flag print, pickup trucks, cowboy boots, and jungle gyms. Miley's dance moves give her a competitive edge as well.

Now, it seems, Miley is ready to grow up. Her new album, Can't Be Tamed, presents an edgy Miley ready to become an adult and be treated like one. Miley's real-life behavior reflects this as well--she recently moved from the mansion she bought her parents and bought herself another mansion next door. She also just starred in the Nicholas Sparks' romantic comedy The Last Song. I doubt I will ever see it, but it seemed to be fairly popular.

The title track from Can't Be Tamed sounds great. Miley's voice reminds me of classic Britney mixed with autotune. Yes, Miley does need the autotune--please recall her abysmal performance for the Queen of England--but I do not really mind. She actually sounds better synthetic.

What I really love, however, was the music video. Miley emerges as Avis cyrus, an exotic bird creature being revealed to a crowd of wealthy bird enthusiasts. She quickly scares them away her with ferocious facial expressions, giant black wings, and wild background dancers. The video flashes back and forth between Miley in a black leather bird costume and Miley laying on a pile of peacock feathers dressed in a $25,000 corset dress.

Based on the amount of skin bared and suggestive dance moves, it seems that Miley is all grown up. People complain that Miley is only seventeen, but so was Britney when she started baring her belly button. I am not promoting this Gaga-esque video as morally sound, but I think it was a good career move for Miley.

Miley, keep channeling this new you. Just do not have babies, shave your head, and then attack paparazzi with an umbrella.

Baby, baby, baby, oh...

I am a Belieber.

For some reason, college students at Grove City College do not seem to love Justin Bieber very much--at least not publicly. The same girls that still love to rock out to *NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys scrunch up their faces when you mention darling Canadian Justin. My dear friend Emily Smicker recently had a near emotional meltdown when she saw that the Biebs was recommended for her on iTunes. I do not understand the hating.

Justin Bieber is great. I suppose I should provide a brief biography for those of you who have yet to love Justin's music. He was born March 1, 1994 in Ontario, Canada. That makes the little pop star sixteen, not twelve like everyone seems to think. When Justin was twelve, his mother began uploading videos of him singing songs on YouTube for his relatives to see. Justin gained a large following on the website.

A year later, a marketing executive discovered Justin online and brought him to Atlanta to perform for the R&B artist Usher. Usher loved Justin's performance and signed him to Island Records in 2008. Since then, both of Justin's albums have gone platinum in the United States, and he has performed for President Obama, presented at the Grammys, and sung the opening line the new "We are the World" video for Haiti. He has even been the musical guest on Saturday Night Live.

No one who reads Justin Bieber's impressive list of accomplishments should doubt the legitimacy of his stardom. Justin literally causes riots where ever he goes--his fans are insanely devoted. He is popular all around the world (especially in Canada). Unlike Miley Cyrus, who I expect will follow the same death spiral as Britney and Lindsay, Justin will continue to become a bigger star and join the modern greats like Justin Timberlake in pop glory.

If you do not believe in the power of Justin Bieber, please watch this YouTube video. This three-year-old girl is in the depths of despair when she cannot spend time with Justin. When I was three, the only songs I knew were church hymns and the Barney song. Celebrities were silly people who lived far away and had no impact on my life. Jimmy Kimmel capitalized on Bieber fever and brought the adoring fan together with her idol for America to see. I think we can all agree that the little girl is out of control.

I am constantly amused by young Justin's interactions with other celebrities. His "One Time" video features Justin hosting a party at Usher's house while Usher is away. A squeaky clean rap by Ludacris is featured on the hit track "Baby," and Sean Kingston collaborates with Bieber on the song "Eenie Meenie." Justin flirts with Kim Kardashian on Twitter and hits on Chelsea Handler during his interviews. He even creates great humor chemistry with Tina Fey on SNL. Such a charmer.

For April Fool's Day, like many celebrities, Justin took to the internet to pull a prank. He created a series of hilarious videos and put them on the website, Funny or Die, renaming it Bieber or Die for the day. These videos include an explanation from Bieber saying that he bought the site to showcase his humor and several recreations of viral videos from the internet. Two of my favorites are "Dramatic Bieber" and "Bieber after the Dentist."

However, Justin Bieber's biggest challenge may be growing up. His voice is changing--he has even admitted in interviews that he cannot hit some of the high notes from "Baby" anymore. As he seeks to make a smooth transition to manhood and avoid the squeaks, Bieber needs to worry about loosing his iconic high tenor voice. His genre of music may also need to be adjusted as his main fan base grows up with him. Puberty is the biggest challenge standing in his way.

Regardless of Justin Bieber's dropping voice, I will continue to listen to my two CDs and enjoy everything he does. Like baby, baby, baby, oh.

Hot (mess?)

Only Heidi Klum can look hot all the time.

Regardless of Heidi's activity--walking the runway, buying clothes, mowing the lawn--she always looks great. I am certain that when she wakes up in the morning, she looks good enough to be shot for the cover of any fashion magazine. When Heidi is pregnant (and that seems to be constantly), she somehow looks even more beautiful. Amazing.

However, the rest of us have to deal with the fact that we will not look hot every day. Hotness requires more than good genes--it also means good hair, skin, and body, stylistically cohesive clothing choices, and proper carriage and attitude. It is something that must be pursued daily--one day's achievements or failings have no bearing on the next.

I want to clarify something before you think I am as shallow as a Hills cast member. When I say "hot," I do not mean beautiful. Beauty is something intrinsic to all things that God has created because they reflect His beauty. Hotness is a quality created by the human fashion industry and culture. All people are beautiful and infinitely valuable--however, not all people are hot.

As an alternative to hotness, we have the hot mess. Urban dictionary defines hot mess as a situation "When one's thoughts or appearance are in a state of disarray but they maintain an undeniable attractiveness." The concept of the hot mess has been popularized by pop personalities like Christian Siriano on Project Runway. It is the opposite extreme on the hotness spectrum. Instead of being perfectly put together, a hot mess retains the magnetism despite his or her chaotic appearance or behavior.

To illustrate this concept, let me share my daily routine from past summer. Every day, I rolled out of bed, put on my matching sweatpants and sweatshirt, added a pair of chic black glasses and drove to the swimming. I ate my breakfast of blueberries and oatmeal with Diet Coke and got the cash boxes ready for the day. My sleep and caffeine-deprived brain buzzed at a low frequency and my poor early morning motor control caused me to knock things over a lot. I was a mess--the attention to detail and appearance made me a hot mess.

Later, after teaching a water aerobics class, I headed home and showered. I put in contacts, added high end cologne and moisturizers, spiked my hair, put on a nice, short swimsuit suit and grabbed my Hospers Swimming Pool zip-up hoodie and aviators. With my spinach and hard-boiled egg salad and iced coffee in my bag, I headed back to work. By the time I arrived at the pool, my brain was high functioning, and I quickly took control of the situation. Hotness achieved.

One star who regularly demonstrates the hot/hot mess paradox is Britney Spears. Britney is consistently hot in her music videos. She looks great, wears the right clothes, and has an appeal rivaled by few. However, in her personal life, Britney is such a hot mess. She pulls up to the KFC drive-through in her perfect SUV and perfect clothing and then gets a tub of chicken to stuff her perfect face. She shaves her head. She attacks paparazzi with designer umbrellas. Hot mess!

Hot is better than hot mess, but hot mess shows that you are at least trying. It is better to shoot for hot and stumble into hot mess than to only achieve the mundane.

Always be hot or a hot mess--never anything in between.

Long live her Madgesty

Madonna is the ultimate amortal.

Time magazine originated the word "amortal," defining it as someone without visible mortality and labeling Madonna as someone who exemplifies the concept. Madonna has shown incredible resilience throughout her career and probably will still be producing music from the nursing home. As a side note, I wish that there actually were a nursing home for old celebrities. I would pay a decent amount to take a tour of that.

Despite Madonna's fame, I had never heard more than one or two of her songs before watching the Glee, "The Power of Madonna," episode on Hulu. I vaguely remember being morally outraged as a child when I heard about Madonna kissing Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera at the VMAs, and I rocked out to her 2008 hit, "4 Minutes," featuring Justin Timberlake. Other than rumors of her relationships with A-Rod and 23-year-old Brazilian model Jesus Luz, Madonna has been completely off my pop radar.

However, "The Power of Madonna" changed all that. I became obsessed before the episode even premiered due to the teaser Sue Sylvester remake of Madonna's iconic "Vogue" music video. I watched that video a few times a day until the episode came out. I loved seeing Kurt and Mercedes collaboration and thought Jane Lynch looked eerily like Madonna. The glamour and high fashion of the video completely dazzled my senses.

When the full episode became available on Hulu, I enthusiastically watched it. I enjoyed the episode as a whole, and had several favorite moments. The Cheerios' performance of "4 Minutes" with Kurt and Mercedes on vocals tops my list and was an example of sensory overload at its best. With the marching band playing, Cheerios dancing, and two divas belting notes, that song alone could have been the episode's show-stopper.

Another highlight was the "Like a Prayer" finale. My roommate informed me that the lyrics to that song are actually kind of sketchy, but I am going to ignore that for now and pretend it is about praying. It opens with Rachel (of course) and then continues with solos from Finn, Kurt, and Mercedes. I think that Mercedes is becoming my favorite singer on Glee. She consistently brings down the house with her big voice. When she sings, "Let the choir sing!" the curtain opens and a huge African choir steps forward and joins the glee club. Where does Mr. Schue find all of these people, and how does he compensate them?

The only unsavory part of this episode would have to be the "love" scene. While Rachel, Emma, and Finn all contemplate losing their virginities to Rachel, Schue, and Santana respectively, they stare in the bathroom mirror and fantasize about it. This scene would have been far less awkward if the six characters had not been singing "Like a Virgin" the whole time they were acting it out. No spoilers from me today about who lost their V-card and who kept it.

I think that Madonna was both shrewd and brilliant to let this episode happen. She gave Glee access to ALL of her music, and the show took full advantage of that playing her music in the background of the show in between vocal performances. This episode revitalizes Madonna's career and connects her with a young generation raised on Britney and addicted to Gaga. The Glee "Power of Madonna" compilation album was number one in the charts this week, even topping the unbeatable Justin Bieber.

Madonna has captured another fan. Maybe she is a vampire.

Frankenheidi

Heidi Montag and I have been through a lot together.

My infatuation with Heidi began during the summer of 2006 when I attended Neuroscience Camp and spent my evenings watching MTV with some of the other campers. The first season of the Hills premiered that week, we each picked a favorite girl. I chose Heidi--I have always been a sucker for blondes and women with German names. Despite Heidi being a bit careless and shallow, I found her funny and charming. After camp, Heidi and I parted ways, and my Hills-obsessed sister was the only person keeping me informed about Heidi's life.

During my junior year of college, I succumbed to the twitter fad and started following Heidi. Heidi liked to retweet a lot, and one day I tweeted that she was retweeting too much. To my surprised, Heidi responded with a "sorry...lol XO" and at my request, she started following me. The next day, her husband Spencer Pratt also began following me on twitter.

Although I have not directly interacted with Heidi since, I have seen her life unfold in the headlines. As she climbed the fame ladder and started feuding with Al Roker, I hoped that she might remain sweet and safe. While I did disapprove of her posing for Playboy, I consoled myself with the fact that she did not do any nude shots. My crush was intact.

Heidi's first big blunder came with the launch of her career as a "pop star." From her embarrassing "Higher" home music video to her heavily synthesized album, "Superficial," Heidi has been a disaster. In all fairness, some of her tracks are catchy and comparable to Britney's recent tunes, and her video for "Overdosin" is memorable and funny. However, the Pratts spent almost $2 million of their own money making the album and only sold 658 copies in the first week after release. Confession time: I felt bad for Heidi, and I am one of those 658 people.

I could have forgiven Heidi's musical failings, but her outrageous plastic surgery brought me to my senses. Earlier this year, Heidi went under the knife and had ten procedures done at once, almost dying on the table due to too much Demerol. Heidi got a brow-lift, a chin reduction and went from a C-cup to a triple D-cup. The photo at the top of this post nicely illustrates the change. Heidi used to look like a stuning 23-year-old woman full of potential--now she is a cold Barbie with absurdly large breasts. Although she is technically more aesthetically beautiful than most supermodels, I struggle to see her beauty.

Now, as Heidi continues to develop her fashion line, pursue her music career, transition from Christianity to new-age beliefs, and explore the world of film, I have decided not to accompany her. Yes, the likes of Perez Hilton and Chelsea Handler will continue to inform me of her latest stunts, but she will no longer receive my blind support. Heidi needs everyone to ignore her for a while so that realizes extreme plastic surgery is not the path to stardom.

I am sorry Heidi, but this is goodbye.