Pardon my scratch

Life would be better if I were a cat.

I first began to see the joys of felinity because of my friend Leah Vough. During our freshman year of college, she told everyone what kind of cat they were based on their appearance or personality. Her roommate was an alley cat, her friend Erin's sister and her fiance were kittens, and I was a old cat because sickly old cats get bright blue eyes. We have several pictures from Leah's sorority formal posing like cats. I got in the habit of hissing and meowing whenever I saw Leah.

Cats have always appealed to me more than dogs. Dogs are stupidly friendly and rough. In contrast, cats are more selective with who they give attention and seem much more poised. To put it in Gossip Girl terms, dogs are like Serena while cats are like Blair. Maybe that is a bad comparison. Dogs are far more sensible than Serena.

Unfortunately, I have been grossly allergic to cats since I was in kindergarten. I played with my neighbors kittens up until the point that I had a serious asthma attack and was hospitalized for a week. No more cats for David.

This past fall, I discovered that if I take allergy medication before playing with cats and wash my hands afterwards, I am mostly fine. This made things much more enjoyable at Leah's Fun Fall Farm Fest--her farm is swarming with cats, and it would be tortuous to look at them and not be able to touch.

I think my favorite part of being a cat would be curling up in the sun and taking a nap. As a family pet, my only natural predator would be the three-year-old who likes to pull my tail. My naps would be filled with simple dreams of birds and mice, and I would sun my furry grey body, enjoying the luxury of heat and serenity.

When I woke up, I would immediately ascertain each family member's location so that I could avoid them. I would then go searching for something to catch, play with, and eat. Cats, like vampires, enjoy playing with their food before eating it. Me becoming a vampire looks more and more doubtful everyday, so cat might be my second pick.

As a naturally clumsy person, I am also drawn to the perpetual balance and poise of the cat. I would adore staying up all night, gliding silently through the house, knowing that at least for the moment, I was in complete control. If I had been born in Egypt a few thousand years ago, I would have probably worshiped Bast, the cat goddess.

Since I do not want to go the Jocelyn Wildenstein route of cat-transformation, I may instead have to integrate more cat-like personality traits into my daily interactions. I can be secretive, shrewd, standoffish, and decadent. Actually, that does not sound too much like me. Maybe being a cat just sounds like a good idea in my head.

I do not think I will start eating mice. However, if I hiss at you, do not be surprised.