Just one bite

We live in the era of the sexy vampire.

I have always liked vampires. As a third-grade nerd, I liked to impress other students by reading big books. My biggest accomplishment was wading through the dreadfully dull Little Women. While that book bored me, others like Around the World in Eight Days, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, The Prince and the Pauper, and The Wizard of Oz completely entranced me.

Bram Stoker's Dracula may have impacted me most. I never watched anything scarier than 101 Dalmations until I got to middle school, so Dracula absolutely terrified me. As Dracula terrorized Jonathan Harker and his family and friends, I closed my closet at night and locked my bedroom door for protection.

This book was the best introduction to vampires I could have had. Stoker's vampire was something inhuman, something to fear and hate. He standardized vampire lore and defined the powers and limits of the classic vampire. God bless Bram Stoker.

I am not quite sure when vampires stopped being monsters and started to be sex icons. Buffy may have a lot to do with it. On Buffy the Vampire Slayer, vampires are demon-possessed people that return from the dead. Sunlight and stakes kill them easily. The relationship between Buffy and Angel, a good vampire due to a gypsy curse, was always steamy and exciting.

Anne Rice's dark vampire literature further contributed to the mainstreaming of vampires. Although her vampires are not human in mind or ability, Rice's readers identify with the characters. The casting of the wildly famous Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt in the lead roles of Rice's book-to-film adaptation, Interview with a Vampire, brought crowds to the theaters in 1994 and connected vampires with their sex appeal.

One of the greatest television tragedies occurred in 2007 when the CBS drama Moonlight was cancelled after one season. Moonlight followed the life of Mick St. John, a vampire private detective who had been protecting a reporter, Beth Turner, since his crazy, vampire ex-wife kidnapped her as a small child. This show was intriguing, humorous, endearing, and captivating. Unfortunately, it aired before America had caught vampire fever, and could have been a huge success if released only a year or two later.

Stephenie Meyer's infamous Twilight Saga made people fall head-over-heels in love with vampires. Not only are these books incredibly popular amongst children, but people of all ages and backgrounds enjoy them. The series of films based on the books have transformed Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, and Taylor Lautner from nobodies to members of the young elite of Hollywood. On a personal note, Twilight got me more excited about reading than I had been in several years.

HBO's True Blood and the CW's Vampire Diaries took popular book series and transformed them into even more popular television programs. Both provide sizzling vampire love and intense fight scenes for their respective audiences. In contrast to the mostly optimistic world of Twilight, these two shows are not afraid to kill of characters. When I watch them, I expect someone to die at least once an episode.

I find the inconsistency within all this media interesting. Some vampires have powers, like the ability to change into animals or control minds, while others simply have super strength and speed. The controllability of the thirst for human blood varies considerably. Some can eat food and drink coffee. For some the sun means death, while for others it is merely annoying or causes their skin to sparkle. Their seems to be a lot of artistic license taken in each case.

Someday, when I meet a vampire, he or she will tell me who comes closest to the truth. Until then, I will just keep enjoying all of the above.

Vegetarian experiment

Veggie burgers are disgusting.

I have tried several different kinds, but none compare to the ground beef patty. Last fall, my friend Hannah Moffett and I challenged one other to be vegetarians for a semester. It is important to note that our vegetarianism was not based on personal conviction but simply an exercise in self-control. I love to set life goals for myself.

We made the rules for our vegetarianism relatively easy. As long as the food never had eyes, it was fine. This meant I could still eat cheese, milk, and eggs. I could have made it without ice cream and cheese omelets.

Although I sometimes complain about cafeteria food, Bon Apetit pleasantly surprised me. I regularly ate large meals of spinach salads, cheese pizza, French onion soup, hard boiled eggs, cereal, stir-fried vegetables with rice, or cheese lasagna. I regularly took a multi-vitamin and made sure I got protein daily. Men tend to have less issues with anemia, but I wanted to be safe.

I struggled with meat cravings. During brunch each Sunday, the bacon taunted me, and the sausage gave me sullen glares. One time I got pasta with red sauce, only to realize the sauce had bits of meat after taking my first bite. My mouth watered, and I struggled not to quickly scarf the whole plate. At odd times throughout the day, I found myself suddenly obsessing about meat. I felt like a crazy pregnant woman suddenly wanting ice cream with hot sauce.

Being a vegetarian for a month also made me aware of the plight of the veggie-lover. Although our school cafeteria takes care of its vegetarians, other places do not. I attended several catered luncheons where the vegetarian option was a sandwich with cucumber and tomato instead of meat. Gross. I felt guilty eating at friends' houses and having to refuse meat or pick it out of the entree.

Eating out was the worst. I love burgers, so whenever I eat out, I get a big, juicy mushroom swiss burger and then sink into a blissful meat coma. Vegetarianism forced me to order a lot of omelets, cheese quesadillas, and french fries. My family and friends usually stop at McDonald's when we travel, and during the past semester, I would get a large fries and a Diet Coke since my normal Double Cheeseburger and McChicken were off limits.

Despite my limitations, vegetarianism really was awesome. I now understand the sense of superiority vegetarians feel every time they refuse meat and their secret joy when others have to go out of their way to make a meat-free option for you. Vegans must feel even better--they cannot even eat dairy or eggs!

I also felt healthier as a vegetarian. My meals were filling, but I never felt stuffed. My thoughts were more lucid, my skin was clearer, and I did not gain more than three pounds despite skipping exercise for a semester.

Vegetarian life left me hyper-aware of much meat I used to eat. Now, I view each bite of meat as a special treat, and it only takes a piece of bacon or two to satisfy my cravings. Americans eat significantly more meat than they need to each day. Why are we surprised by our obesity?

I could not be a consistent vegetarian. However, maybe I will take more vegetarian vacations in the future, and one day find a veggie burger I like.

Baby, baby, baby, oh...

I am a Belieber.

For some reason, college students at Grove City College do not seem to love Justin Bieber very much--at least not publicly. The same girls that still love to rock out to *NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys scrunch up their faces when you mention darling Canadian Justin. My dear friend Emily Smicker recently had a near emotional meltdown when she saw that the Biebs was recommended for her on iTunes. I do not understand the hating.

Justin Bieber is great. I suppose I should provide a brief biography for those of you who have yet to love Justin's music. He was born March 1, 1994 in Ontario, Canada. That makes the little pop star sixteen, not twelve like everyone seems to think. When Justin was twelve, his mother began uploading videos of him singing songs on YouTube for his relatives to see. Justin gained a large following on the website.

A year later, a marketing executive discovered Justin online and brought him to Atlanta to perform for the R&B artist Usher. Usher loved Justin's performance and signed him to Island Records in 2008. Since then, both of Justin's albums have gone platinum in the United States, and he has performed for President Obama, presented at the Grammys, and sung the opening line the new "We are the World" video for Haiti. He has even been the musical guest on Saturday Night Live.

No one who reads Justin Bieber's impressive list of accomplishments should doubt the legitimacy of his stardom. Justin literally causes riots where ever he goes--his fans are insanely devoted. He is popular all around the world (especially in Canada). Unlike Miley Cyrus, who I expect will follow the same death spiral as Britney and Lindsay, Justin will continue to become a bigger star and join the modern greats like Justin Timberlake in pop glory.

If you do not believe in the power of Justin Bieber, please watch this YouTube video. This three-year-old girl is in the depths of despair when she cannot spend time with Justin. When I was three, the only songs I knew were church hymns and the Barney song. Celebrities were silly people who lived far away and had no impact on my life. Jimmy Kimmel capitalized on Bieber fever and brought the adoring fan together with her idol for America to see. I think we can all agree that the little girl is out of control.

I am constantly amused by young Justin's interactions with other celebrities. His "One Time" video features Justin hosting a party at Usher's house while Usher is away. A squeaky clean rap by Ludacris is featured on the hit track "Baby," and Sean Kingston collaborates with Bieber on the song "Eenie Meenie." Justin flirts with Kim Kardashian on Twitter and hits on Chelsea Handler during his interviews. He even creates great humor chemistry with Tina Fey on SNL. Such a charmer.

For April Fool's Day, like many celebrities, Justin took to the internet to pull a prank. He created a series of hilarious videos and put them on the website, Funny or Die, renaming it Bieber or Die for the day. These videos include an explanation from Bieber saying that he bought the site to showcase his humor and several recreations of viral videos from the internet. Two of my favorites are "Dramatic Bieber" and "Bieber after the Dentist."

However, Justin Bieber's biggest challenge may be growing up. His voice is changing--he has even admitted in interviews that he cannot hit some of the high notes from "Baby" anymore. As he seeks to make a smooth transition to manhood and avoid the squeaks, Bieber needs to worry about loosing his iconic high tenor voice. His genre of music may also need to be adjusted as his main fan base grows up with him. Puberty is the biggest challenge standing in his way.

Regardless of Justin Bieber's dropping voice, I will continue to listen to my two CDs and enjoy everything he does. Like baby, baby, baby, oh.

I love this woman

I am ready to take a wife.

As someone who has been single since coming to college, I know this is a big deal. You might be thinking that the "Ring by Spring" mentality of Grove City College has finally soaked into my brain and put a permanent pair of Grover Goggles over my eyes. However, never fear! There is only one woman that I am ready to marry, and her name is Kristen Wiig.

If you have never heard or seen Kristen Wiig, there is a hole in your life. A life without Kristen can only be described as tragic. Kristen has been a cast member on Saturday Night Live since 2005 and consistently makes me laugh until tears flow. She is the funniest person currently alive.

While Kristen does say hilarious things and make ridiculous sounds, her facial expressions bring the biggest laughs. The mark of a great comedian is someone who does not even need sound to make you laugh. Kristen has this ability to twist her face into the strangest expressions and reacts so strongly in the skits. I could watch her face for a lifetime.

Kristen also has an amazing ability to transform herself into the most bizarre characters. One of my favorites is Penelope, a woman who pathologically lies to top the stories of everyone else. The twist comes at the end when at least of few of Penelope's lies turn out to be true. Another of my favorite's is Sue, a woman who adores surprises but cannot keep secrets and must cause herself physical harm to keep from ruining the surprise. If you ever hear my loudly saying "Oh my Gawww!!!," that is my Sue impression.

Other original characters include the Target Lady, a bargain-obsessed "Turrget" worker, Judy Grimes, a nervous travel advisor on Weekend Update who says "just kidding" between every few words, Aunt Linda, a sarcastic movie critic with poor taste, and Dooneese, a member of a sister act that perform on the Lawrence Welk Show. Dooneese is my favorite of these four characters--her high hairline, little baby hands, and disturbing song lyrics make me die laughing every time.

Kristen also has an amazing talent for celebrity impressions. The recurring parody skit of The View may be one of the best things on SNL. Whoopi, Barbara, Joy, Sheri, and Elisabeth deserve to be parodied, especially Joy Behar. Kristen marvelously plays the sweet, conservative Elisabeth Hasselbeck in a dead-on impression. So funny! Other celebrities parodied include Suze Orman, Nancy Pelosi, Jamie Lee Curtis, Katharine Hepburn, Bjork, and a Japanese version of Pam Beasley from The Office. I hope you take the time to watch all of these videos.

A final thing you need to know about is the fourth hour of the Today Show. Calm Hoda Kotb and insane Kathie Lee Gifford have a strange dynamic and Kristen showcases this brilliantly as Kathie Lee. I found a video on youtube of Hoda and Kathie Lee responding to this highly accurate impression. While Hoda seems to find it funny, Kathie Lee is upset. However, when Hoda gets made fun of in the clip, Kathie Lee begins to see the humor. If you squint your eyes a little, it becomes difficult to tell which clip is the show and which is SNL. So good.

If you do not love Kristen by now, you need professional laughter training. You are not invited to our theoretical wedding.

Hot (mess?)

Only Heidi Klum can look hot all the time.

Regardless of Heidi's activity--walking the runway, buying clothes, mowing the lawn--she always looks great. I am certain that when she wakes up in the morning, she looks good enough to be shot for the cover of any fashion magazine. When Heidi is pregnant (and that seems to be constantly), she somehow looks even more beautiful. Amazing.

However, the rest of us have to deal with the fact that we will not look hot every day. Hotness requires more than good genes--it also means good hair, skin, and body, stylistically cohesive clothing choices, and proper carriage and attitude. It is something that must be pursued daily--one day's achievements or failings have no bearing on the next.

I want to clarify something before you think I am as shallow as a Hills cast member. When I say "hot," I do not mean beautiful. Beauty is something intrinsic to all things that God has created because they reflect His beauty. Hotness is a quality created by the human fashion industry and culture. All people are beautiful and infinitely valuable--however, not all people are hot.

As an alternative to hotness, we have the hot mess. Urban dictionary defines hot mess as a situation "When one's thoughts or appearance are in a state of disarray but they maintain an undeniable attractiveness." The concept of the hot mess has been popularized by pop personalities like Christian Siriano on Project Runway. It is the opposite extreme on the hotness spectrum. Instead of being perfectly put together, a hot mess retains the magnetism despite his or her chaotic appearance or behavior.

To illustrate this concept, let me share my daily routine from past summer. Every day, I rolled out of bed, put on my matching sweatpants and sweatshirt, added a pair of chic black glasses and drove to the swimming. I ate my breakfast of blueberries and oatmeal with Diet Coke and got the cash boxes ready for the day. My sleep and caffeine-deprived brain buzzed at a low frequency and my poor early morning motor control caused me to knock things over a lot. I was a mess--the attention to detail and appearance made me a hot mess.

Later, after teaching a water aerobics class, I headed home and showered. I put in contacts, added high end cologne and moisturizers, spiked my hair, put on a nice, short swimsuit suit and grabbed my Hospers Swimming Pool zip-up hoodie and aviators. With my spinach and hard-boiled egg salad and iced coffee in my bag, I headed back to work. By the time I arrived at the pool, my brain was high functioning, and I quickly took control of the situation. Hotness achieved.

One star who regularly demonstrates the hot/hot mess paradox is Britney Spears. Britney is consistently hot in her music videos. She looks great, wears the right clothes, and has an appeal rivaled by few. However, in her personal life, Britney is such a hot mess. She pulls up to the KFC drive-through in her perfect SUV and perfect clothing and then gets a tub of chicken to stuff her perfect face. She shaves her head. She attacks paparazzi with designer umbrellas. Hot mess!

Hot is better than hot mess, but hot mess shows that you are at least trying. It is better to shoot for hot and stumble into hot mess than to only achieve the mundane.

Always be hot or a hot mess--never anything in between.

Long live her Madgesty

Madonna is the ultimate amortal.

Time magazine originated the word "amortal," defining it as someone without visible mortality and labeling Madonna as someone who exemplifies the concept. Madonna has shown incredible resilience throughout her career and probably will still be producing music from the nursing home. As a side note, I wish that there actually were a nursing home for old celebrities. I would pay a decent amount to take a tour of that.

Despite Madonna's fame, I had never heard more than one or two of her songs before watching the Glee, "The Power of Madonna," episode on Hulu. I vaguely remember being morally outraged as a child when I heard about Madonna kissing Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera at the VMAs, and I rocked out to her 2008 hit, "4 Minutes," featuring Justin Timberlake. Other than rumors of her relationships with A-Rod and 23-year-old Brazilian model Jesus Luz, Madonna has been completely off my pop radar.

However, "The Power of Madonna" changed all that. I became obsessed before the episode even premiered due to the teaser Sue Sylvester remake of Madonna's iconic "Vogue" music video. I watched that video a few times a day until the episode came out. I loved seeing Kurt and Mercedes collaboration and thought Jane Lynch looked eerily like Madonna. The glamour and high fashion of the video completely dazzled my senses.

When the full episode became available on Hulu, I enthusiastically watched it. I enjoyed the episode as a whole, and had several favorite moments. The Cheerios' performance of "4 Minutes" with Kurt and Mercedes on vocals tops my list and was an example of sensory overload at its best. With the marching band playing, Cheerios dancing, and two divas belting notes, that song alone could have been the episode's show-stopper.

Another highlight was the "Like a Prayer" finale. My roommate informed me that the lyrics to that song are actually kind of sketchy, but I am going to ignore that for now and pretend it is about praying. It opens with Rachel (of course) and then continues with solos from Finn, Kurt, and Mercedes. I think that Mercedes is becoming my favorite singer on Glee. She consistently brings down the house with her big voice. When she sings, "Let the choir sing!" the curtain opens and a huge African choir steps forward and joins the glee club. Where does Mr. Schue find all of these people, and how does he compensate them?

The only unsavory part of this episode would have to be the "love" scene. While Rachel, Emma, and Finn all contemplate losing their virginities to Rachel, Schue, and Santana respectively, they stare in the bathroom mirror and fantasize about it. This scene would have been far less awkward if the six characters had not been singing "Like a Virgin" the whole time they were acting it out. No spoilers from me today about who lost their V-card and who kept it.

I think that Madonna was both shrewd and brilliant to let this episode happen. She gave Glee access to ALL of her music, and the show took full advantage of that playing her music in the background of the show in between vocal performances. This episode revitalizes Madonna's career and connects her with a young generation raised on Britney and addicted to Gaga. The Glee "Power of Madonna" compilation album was number one in the charts this week, even topping the unbeatable Justin Bieber.

Madonna has captured another fan. Maybe she is a vampire.

Let the fur fly

I never thought PETA and I would agree on anything.

Ideologically, I fall between a libertarian and a conservative. I grew up in northwest Iowa, hunting rabbits and squirrels with my dad, and eating a heavy diet of beef, pork, and chicken. During high school, I was one of those people who would have said, "PETA--oh you mean, People for the Eating of Tasty Animals!?"

However, many recent influences have made me sensitive to issues concerning the fur trade. One of these influences is my dear friend Denise. Denise is a sometimes vegan who passionately cares for animal welfare. She does not oppose meat in general, but just thinks that animals should be treated properly.

A PETA commercial featuring the voices of rockstar Pink as an alligator and English comedian Ricky Gervais as a rabbit also did a lot to change the way I think. In the commercial, a stylish couple walks into a fancy hall with an alligator-skin purse and a rabbit-fur coat. Just then, an alligator missing most of its skin and a rabbit missing its fur accost them, demanding their skin/fur. The part that really got me was when the woman says, "Hey, I paid a lot for this [purse]," and alligator responds, saying, "Well, actually, I paid a lot more."

Now, I know that animals cannot speak and do not have minds or souls like people. Furthermore, I know that God gave man dominion over creation. However, when God put man over creation, it was in the position of a steward instead of a conqueror. I highly doubt that God wanted Adam to kill a bunch of dinosaurs to make dinosaur clutches and shoes for Eve. God Himself did not even use animal fur until after the Fall, and those fur garments are marks of the fall, not the glamorous life of paradise.

While animals do not have the same sentience as people, they can feel pain and suffer. Remember in the book Where the Red Fern Grows when the dog Old Dan dies and then Little Ann dies of grief-induced starvation just a few days later? Tortured animals scream and abandoned dogs whimper. How heartless to cause any creature unnecessary pain.

The fur trade causes unnecessary pain on an epic scale. No one needs fur. Human beings have advanced to a point where we can easily create beautiful synthetic fur. Furthermore, we no longer ride around in buggies or trek through frozen fields, and thus do not need the added protection. Is it is really fashionable to wear parts of a dead thing on your body? That is a little too Hannibal Lector for me.

I am not going to argue against hunting or fishing--in fact, I want to affirm them as part of man's stewardship. However, hunters need to eat what they kill. This is also the only acceptable situation were animal fur should be used. Hunters should be more like the legendary Native Americans who used every part of the buffalo. I do not know if that actually happened, but it is a nice story.

While I do think that PETA is insane, they have some good things to say. Don't let their crazy get in the way of you listening.

The gods must be crazy

I cannot decide if I would rather be Apollo or Poseidon.

I spend my summers outside, soaking up the sun, so part of me would love to drive the chariot of the sun around the earth each day. My tan would be amazing. However, I also love water and think living underwater, riding hippocampi, and controlling hurricanes and earthquakes could be the best thing ever.

While I have always been interested in the Greek gods and mythology, Rick Riordan's book series, Percy Jackson and the Olympians, has recently rekindled my interest. My friends Jeremy and AJ told me about them over Christmas break, and after making a little trip to Barnes and Noble, I quickly fell in love with series.

The Lightning Thief tells the story of Perseus Jackson, a Manhattan sixth grader who struggles with dyslexia, ADHD, and getting kicked out of school. After his math teacher turns into a Fury and tries to kill him, and the Minotaur attacks him, his mother, and his disabled friend Grover, he realizes something strange is going on in his life.

Grover brings him to Camp Half Blood on Long Island where Percy realizes that Grover is a satyr, his Latin teacher is the heroic centaur Chiron, the Greek gods are real and have followed the shift of Western Civilization to the United States, and Percy's mysterious absent father is the sea god Poseidon. Percy, Grover, and their new friend (and possible love interest) Annabelle, daughter of Athena, set out on a quest to retrieve Zeus's stolen lightning bolt from the Underworld, running into the Furies, Medusa, the Lotus Eaters, and Echidna along the way.

I know that was filled with spoilers, but please deal with it. There are four more books in this series which contribute to one large story arc, and I have only scratched the surface of the thrilling plot. You do not need to know anything about Greek mythology to enjoy them, but knowing the back stories of characters and being able to predict plot points gave me extra satisfaction when reading. My favorite parts were the various interactions with the gods, who, unlike the God I worship, can be as petty and selfish as the mortals they rule.

When I saw that 20th Century Fox was making a film based on the first book, I was apprehensive. After all, films like The Two Towers and The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe have burned me with inaccuracies, leaving me wary of book-to-movie adaptations. I went to see the movie, Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief, on a Sunday afternoon at the Guthrie Theatre with my friend Melinda.

The film was the worst book-to-movie adaptation I have ever seen. Its many fallacies included making Percy seventeen instead of twelve, combining characters and love interests, portraying Persephone as a sexy devil's mistress, and making Grover a womanizing player. The most grievous change, however, was making the villain a stupid demigod instead of the fallen titan of time, Kronos. Because of this change, no logical sequel can be made to the film. I wonder if the film company realized the movie would tank half way through production and decided to cut their losses by simplifying the plot.

There were two parts of the film that I really enjoyed. The Medusa scene remained fairly true to the book and added an intensity to the movie. Uma Thurman played the gorgon as a fierce and beautiful woman who just happened to have snakes growing out of her head and the ability to turn people to stone. I also loved the Lotus Casino scene where Percy, Annabelle, and Grover ate the intoxicating lotus flowers and broke it down to Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" and Ke$ha's "Tik Tok." So good.

In conclusion, read the books and skip the movie. But you knew that already.

Snuggle up

I sleep wrapped in a snuggie every night.

It took me a while to fall under this trend's power. My family and I used to make fun of the people in the commercial. They looked so ridiculous sitting around on plush couches in backwards monk robes, reading books and being pleasant with one another. The snuggie's ridiculous appearance kept us from seeing its true wonder.

I did not know I needed a snuggie until after I bought one. On Black Friday 2009, I forced my mom and sister to get up early and go shopping in the wee hours of the morning. When we got to Menard's, a store that I have hated as long as I can remember, I spotted an off-brand snuggie called a Cuddlee. As an avid bargain shopper, I could not pass up the six dollar price tag. After all, snuggies usually retail at about fifteen dollars.

That night, as I shared a pull-out couch with my little brother, I put my arms through the holes and wrapped the snuggie around my body. I instantly felt secure and safe. Even more importantly, when I went to grab my glass of water, my arms did not get cold. Up until that moment, I had never realized how annoying cold arms can be. A marketable invention either fills an existing need or makes people think that they have a need, and the snuggie does the latter beautifully.

Since then, I have slept wrapped in my snuggie almost every night. While I used to scoff, now I embrace, and the snuggie embraces me. The snuggie has become a pop culture phenomenon and has been mocked by many comedians. It even got a mention on a hilarious SNL skit parody of the Today Show with Hoda and Kathie Lee. I believe that all of those comedians secretly sleep with snuggies.

The snuggie was also one of the most popular Christmas gifts this past year. The Snuggie company has diversified its product by creating snuggies for children and dogs. While I own the classic navy blue, the snug also comes in burgundy, green, pink, and animal print.

There are even more uses for the snuggie than what the commercials show. If you turn it around backwards and add a belt, it is a shepherd's costume for a Christmas nativity scene. I recently had someone stand behind me and put their hand through to create the humorous illusion of hands out of my control. That same night, I also put it on backwards and had two people under that snuggie behind me, and we raced through the house screaming and pretending it was a Chinese dragon in a Chinese New Year Parade. We have fun.

If you still are wary about the snuggie, I'll let you try on mine. Just make sure you give it back.

Frankenheidi

Heidi Montag and I have been through a lot together.

My infatuation with Heidi began during the summer of 2006 when I attended Neuroscience Camp and spent my evenings watching MTV with some of the other campers. The first season of the Hills premiered that week, we each picked a favorite girl. I chose Heidi--I have always been a sucker for blondes and women with German names. Despite Heidi being a bit careless and shallow, I found her funny and charming. After camp, Heidi and I parted ways, and my Hills-obsessed sister was the only person keeping me informed about Heidi's life.

During my junior year of college, I succumbed to the twitter fad and started following Heidi. Heidi liked to retweet a lot, and one day I tweeted that she was retweeting too much. To my surprised, Heidi responded with a "sorry...lol XO" and at my request, she started following me. The next day, her husband Spencer Pratt also began following me on twitter.

Although I have not directly interacted with Heidi since, I have seen her life unfold in the headlines. As she climbed the fame ladder and started feuding with Al Roker, I hoped that she might remain sweet and safe. While I did disapprove of her posing for Playboy, I consoled myself with the fact that she did not do any nude shots. My crush was intact.

Heidi's first big blunder came with the launch of her career as a "pop star." From her embarrassing "Higher" home music video to her heavily synthesized album, "Superficial," Heidi has been a disaster. In all fairness, some of her tracks are catchy and comparable to Britney's recent tunes, and her video for "Overdosin" is memorable and funny. However, the Pratts spent almost $2 million of their own money making the album and only sold 658 copies in the first week after release. Confession time: I felt bad for Heidi, and I am one of those 658 people.

I could have forgiven Heidi's musical failings, but her outrageous plastic surgery brought me to my senses. Earlier this year, Heidi went under the knife and had ten procedures done at once, almost dying on the table due to too much Demerol. Heidi got a brow-lift, a chin reduction and went from a C-cup to a triple D-cup. The photo at the top of this post nicely illustrates the change. Heidi used to look like a stuning 23-year-old woman full of potential--now she is a cold Barbie with absurdly large breasts. Although she is technically more aesthetically beautiful than most supermodels, I struggle to see her beauty.

Now, as Heidi continues to develop her fashion line, pursue her music career, transition from Christianity to new-age beliefs, and explore the world of film, I have decided not to accompany her. Yes, the likes of Perez Hilton and Chelsea Handler will continue to inform me of her latest stunts, but she will no longer receive my blind support. Heidi needs everyone to ignore her for a while so that realizes extreme plastic surgery is not the path to stardom.

I am sorry Heidi, but this is goodbye.